zoe's blog

Right before coming abroad I went to an orientation meeting put on by UMass where students were talking about their experiences abroad and giving suggestions and ideas to all of us who were about to depart. Something happened at this meeting that worried me a very decent amount, however I believe my awareness of it contributed so much in a positive way in the long term. A girl was telling us her abroad experiences and sharing it from the point of view of someone who deals with anxiety and balancing her mental health, something I had been struggling with a decent amount the months leading up to my study abroad. She told us that her expectations of study abroad were that it would make all her problems go away, when in turn it did the opposite and her struggles followed her. She warned us to be careful of thinking about abroad as a chance to escape personal issues, especially poor mental health, because you never know where you will end up. This was an important reminder to me that I needed to not make the same mistake, which I had been setting myself up for. I too was hoping that this would make everything better and that what I was working through were temporary issues. Before I had put too much hope in this however, I then knew to keep thinking about Germany as a place where my anxiety wouldn’t get miraculously better and I would have to keep working on staying emotionally healthy.

I am lucky enough that my experiences here have been filled with support systems that have made certain issues a great deal easier and have created some distance from stresses that are rooted in the US. I am very grateful that my experience turned out to be very different from the girl who spoke to me, but I wonder if I had put the pressure on myself to feel happy here if it would have happened this organically. Not only this but when hard days do come, I am much more lenient with myself. Being here has not been an escape, but it has been a restart and I feel as though I am learning greatly the importance of taking on the responsibility of my own happiness and taking care of myself. Small tasks that used to cause me stress are getting done now. I am pushing to get my motivation from interest instead of anxiety. And I am working on making it so when I go back there are changes in place so that the progress I am experiencing here continues. I do get nervous to uproot again and go back to some of those stresses. But if I have learned anything here it is that people come into our lives in strange but wonderful ways and that there is always something that can be done in order to achieve happiness, no matter where you are.

 

As I wrap up my first five weeks in this wonderful place, I can’t help but think about how at the end of most days I come home feeling like I have lived one of the best days of my life. Yet the amount of times this has occurred makes me unbelievably thankful for how lucky I got with the opportunities of this program, the friendships I’ve found and the places I have gotten to explore. One of the best aspects I have discovered however is how incredibly different every place I go is, and how each time I cross a boarder I learn, and feel, something new. Before classes really begin, I have had the chance to travel more than I will in the coming months and create unique memories in places that felt worlds apart. Although the lessons I am learning on short trips are different than the adjustment to living long term, I have still found them to be valuable and enriching. For the four countries, some new some revisited, that I have been to in the last few weeks, here are four memories and the accompanying learning experiences.

Germany: The first day I went to the Max Planck Institute, it was a rainy day and the tiny bus that only runs every hour took me into the clouds up the winding roads of Mt K?nigstuhl. This exciting and nerve-racking ride allowed me to reflect on my greatest motivations to come here; the research I was about to begin as an intern and the amount of science I was about to learn. The experience of meeting the post doc I will be working with and being in the presence of some of the best researchers in the world was exhilarating. I was surprised by the calming atmosphere of the place and instantly fell in love with the work I started to do. The amount I have learned in just the past couple of weeks has been the mental stimulation I had been missing and I have felt empowered by how much my research depends on my own motivation and curiosity. I have learned a great deal more about astronomical spectra, the importance of understanding the gas evolution in the Universe and new statistical techniques. Next to all the adventures I have gone on, the beginning of this research has been the most special part of being here in Heidelberg.

France: Although we only spent 7 hours in the picturesque town of Strasbourg, the adventures from this rainy Sunday with friends stretched from a lazy early morning bus ride to enjoying cheese and wine in a warm restaurant on the river. During the first few hours of our visit, I was enjoying soaking up the medieval architecture and pulling out some of the French I had tucked away to make room for German. Yet, half way through the day, a friend in our group expressed strong interest in wanting to go see the European parliament building which was a good 45-minute walk outside the city. My desire to continue walking the old streets and see the museums made this activity less than appealing to me, but I also know being flexible is an important part of traveling so I went along. The walk there very quickly became more modern houses with a suburbia feel which was not what I was picturing when deciding to go to France. By the time we had walked all the way there it had started pouring and the only end activity we did was take pictures out front. But as I was walking and feeling grumpy about it all I realized this was something I would never do, a building I would never choose to go see and that it was unique and exciting experience. I realized the importance of not just being flexible, but open minded and how these cities and places are not just there for the historical marvel but that they are home to real people and current institutions. But most importantly, I learned how wonderful it is to see a friend feel inspired and to all laugh about getting soaked in the rain.

Switzerland: Before departing for Europe, I had a list of sights I wanted to visit during my study abroad. One was the Matterhorn. I had been aching to see it, and I had made it a point to go to Zermatt while in Switzerland to make this dream a reality. Three days and hundreds of dollars later I left this snowy mountain town without seeing it at all due to the cloudy weather. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t and still am disappointed. But looking back at the hiking and even skiing we got to do, I am reminded that the expectations I have for traveling are never met in the ways I expect. The beauty I got to experience here was not about seeing one mountain, it was about watching the ice blue river run through the town and skiing alongside the alps, even if I couldn’t see all of them. And it was important for me to remind myself not to have these expectations, about places, people and even my academics while abroad as they will always deviate, but in wonderful ways.

Italy: Out of all the places I have traveled, I have always been accompanied by someone or had someone nearby to fall onto. Being truly alone in Venice was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. Taking an early morning boat through the mist coming off the sea to a nearby island and finding a local hole in the wall bar where I had the most delicious warm marmalade croissant were just a few of the many things that made me fall in love with Venice. I learned that not only could I travel well alone, but that I could enjoy a place in a unique way, by being able to cherish the beauty on my own time. Learning to enjoy my own company has been just as important as learning how to travel with friends. Two things are certain; I will be pursuing more solo adventures and I will return to Venice. 🙂

 

 

 

When I got on the plane to Frankfurt, I had begun to hear mumbles of German around me. People on the plane, flight attendants, the speakers overhead and that’s when my nerves really started to kick in. How was I going to manage this new place in a language I barely speak? How was I going to do anything? When I got to my seat, there was a lady sitting where I was assigned and while trying to get her attention, I realized she spoke not German nor English but Italian, and only Italian. For some reason that comforted me. There weren’t just two types of people where I was going; one’s who spoke English and one’s who spoke German. There was going to be everything in between. And although this didn’t make me feel better about not being able to communicate to people I was going to meet there in their mother tongue, it made me feel less alone. And the journey from that flight to where I sit two weeks later has been just this; demolishing the feelings of loneliness in ways I couldn’t have even imaged by discovering how many different languages we can use to connect.

During the first few days I felt as though I had my head down, frantically trying to get all the things done I had planned out so meticulously before arriving. I needed to get myself to my room and not get fined on the bus for misunderstanding the tickets while getting there. I needed pots and pans and towels and a pillow. And I needed to keep remembering to occasionally eat food, which was difficult as I was so nervous ordering anything from anyone. I spent my first trip to the grocery store slowly google translating everything and trying to understand how to get a cart without setting off alarms (which I did several times). But during all this surprisingly controlled panic I begun to realize that I was indeed getting by, and not just this but I was getting by without saying anything at all. I didn’t need to ask people to speak in English, I didn’t need to panic every time someone started speaking to me, I just began depending on other signals and body language to communicate. And perhaps I was of course missing things, but it was amazing how much I could achieve in silence. And how far a smile could get me. And how German words and pronunciations had begun buzzing around in my head before I had learned to say a single sentence.

Yet, as I eased out of survival mode, I realized I hadn’t even been thinking about all the people near me who were also trying to wrap their head around where they were. I did not even realize the number of international students who were to share my language course in the days to follow, how many also spoke little to no German, and how easy their kindness was. When I started meeting more people than I could keep track of at event after event put on by the International Student Organization I started hearing and feeling languages everywhere. Everyone with their own accent, their own outlook on the beginning of the experience and the occasional feelings of confusion but excitement. I listened to people laugh as they rattled off in Serbian, quickly jump in between German and English and even show each other the physical greetings of their home country. Yet through all these differences, we all kept laughing about the same jokes and dancing to the same music, and I felt a strong companionship around me that was very unique. Everyone was ready to explore, and explore we did. My favorites from the last two weeks have been a hike to the mountain top K?nigstuhl above the castle in Heidelberg. An afternoon spent walking around the Altstadt (old town) eating cake and listening to live piano music. Laughing with our German teacher at the fact that our pronunciation is still horrendous. A night of karaoke and dancing, and a sporadic day trip to Strasbourg, France. But beyond seeing and being in a place that touches my very soul, it has been the people that have made the last two weeks empty of loneliness. And it has been the languages I have found; kindness, music, a game of cards, a pint of beer and laughter which seems to be what really connects us all.

Tschüss!

Compared to the distances I am required to conceptualize on the daily for my major (trillions of miles to the nearest star) 5,000 miles shouldn’t seem too far. I have traveled these distances before, even flown through Germany. But this time it feels very different and 5,000 miles stands for something a lot greater. It encompasses how far I’ll be from familiar faces, how different my life is going to be and how much I still need to do to prepare myself for these changes.

Going into college, I always knew I would study abroad. It seemed worked into my idealized college experience, but unlike other things that changed throughout school it remained something I knew I had to do. I have always had the idea in my head that I want to experience living in Europe. I have traveled there for small periods of time and have found myself fascinated by how different I felt. Although it may have been the whirlwind of travel, I felt constantly excited and at the same time relaxed as if I had all the time in the world. I loved this feeling, and I wanted to live in it for longer than two weeks. This feeling lead me to look for somewhere in Europe to study abroad. From there my decision was guided by one thing; the possible opportunities that awaited me for furthering my education in physics and astronomy. And, really what other place is there to go than a country that has produced some of the greatest minds in this field. Not only could I study and adventure in Germany, I could be surrounded by a rich scientific history and I felt very drawn towards this.

There is a lot that I do not know about Germany or German culture. Aside from the minute pieces of advice and two-cents I have gotten from people whom I have shared the destination of my new home, it remains a mystery. As does the language, an even scarier thought. But even as I am suspended in a space of unknown, I have preconceptions of it as a place and culture as I often have when heading into uncharted territory. I feel as though I am going to really like the people. Perhaps this is more of a desire than a feeling but I still enjoy having the beliefs that I will easily connect and develop new kinds of friendships. While I have these optimistic thoughts, I naturally have some fear moving to a new place and having to reconstruct support systems and satisfy the social expectations I create as an anxious extrovert. Not only this, but given the current political situation in our country I am all but looking forward to any judgements or stereotypes that may sit over my head as an American.

Until I spend more time learning what it really means to live in Germany and experience the culture I believe my preconceived notions will be guiding my actions and choices. I want to spend the first few weeks staying quiet about situations or topics I do not know much about, while listening to others to form my own opinion for future conversations. I will be reading local news papers to gain a better understanding of the atmosphere around me as I know I am not yet informed enough to have certain types of discussions. Beyond that, my desire to connect with locals especially, will push me to try new foods and adapt to the lifestyle as much as I can.

While learning how to live will be one challenge, another is going to be actually attending school. As of right now, I really do not know what to expect. I don’t know how hard my astronomy class will be, I don’t know what my other classes are going to be yet, and I don’t even know how I’ll be getting to my  research internship every week. My only expectation right now, of myself and the program, is that I learn as much as I can. I have found in college that bracing for a hard class or getting frustrated with unknowns does not impact how much I’ll learn. At the end of the day I expect myself to go outside of my comfort zone, and always produce my best work and I expect my program to show me learning in different ways than if I was at home.

Although my main focus is my major and related classes, my time abroad is going to be an opportunity for me to take different classes and expand my breadth of knowledge. I want to participate in a classes where I will get a more global point of view both in the sciences and humanities. I want to learn more about observational astronomy but also how to be a better creative writer. In terms of difficulty, I anticipate that my classes will be more challenging in terms of material and depth, yet will have somewhat less busy work. Most importantly, I envision the professors being extremely bright with a lot of knowledge to share.

However, learning how to learn in a different environment is going to be difficult. I am very comfortable with my campus, the people in my major and the way classes are structured. Entering a new space of learning, especially surrounded by a different language is intimidating. I am unsure of the expectations held for me academically and I do not want the pressure to meet them to take over the focus of my study abroad. Leaving the campus I am used to is going to be strange at first, but I am really excited to learn about another school and how to tackle the unique challenges it presents. Moving everything about my life, the academic, social and cultural aspects, to a new destination used to be very hard for me, and I still know that I am going to go through a period of transition. However, my focus on getting to make yet another city feel like home keeps me positive and excited. Not only that but I am going to get to ground my academic and research interests half way across the world, something that may open doors for me later in my career.

As sad as it can be to leave familiarity and embrace change, there are some aspects of my life here I am ready to be apart from. I love my home institution and the opportunities it’s given me, but being able to learn in another place where I am aiming not to put as much pressure on myself will be very healthy for me mentally and even academically. Living in a place of slower pace I think will be a good change to experience and I am really ready to meet people with a more global perspective. However, with that being said I am going to miss all my friends who I am used to seeing at school and the community I have there. I am also going to miss for a while the confidence I have knowing the customs of the culture I live in as well as the language. Until I familiarize myself with my surroundings, I will miss the comfort of being somewhere I know, however I know this will be temporary and that the excitement of adventure will keep me positive until I settle in.

The unseen challenges I am certain I will face will require flexibility and stepping out of my comfort zone. So as of right now instead of worrying about what could go wrong while I’m 5,000 miles from home, I will be constantly reminding myself how incredible this opportunity is and how important it is for my growth as a scientist and a human being.

Stay tuned for more adventures.

 

Hi! My name is Zoe Kearney and starting February 26th I will be embarking on a remarkable adventure that will sure to be one of the greatest in my life. My destination? Heidelberg, Germany. My intent? To learn as much German as I can while meeting new people doing some astrophysics on the side. My goals? To make my junior spring semester abroad a time of growth and learning and to never have an ounce of feeling as if I could have done more. Prior to, during and after my time as an exchange student I will be documenting my adventures and sharing pictures here. So if you would like to stay connected and updated with my plans and possible spontaneity, welcome! And thanks for reading 🙂