04/01/2022. UMass neuroscientists announced today that they had discovered the source of human consciousness. Lead researcher, Arby Jenkins said, “It’s really surprising because it has been staring us in the face all these years and somehow nobody every noticed.”

It turned out people were looking in all the wrong places. “Years ago, Crick had proposed that the habenula was the seat of consciousness, but he was basically too deep.”, said Jenkins, who is known for superficiality.

Co-author Dr. Blechy Expensor explained, “We discovered, quite by accident, that when people have their eyes closed and they’re asleep, basically, they can’t see us.” This got us asking why. Thanks to a multimillion dollar grant from National Institute of Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes (NIHSKT), the team was able to answer that question.

Using expensive equipment, the team was able to brew the best espresso outside of Italy. This was key to their discovery because the researchers needed to stay awake long hours.

However, the actual finding occurred when one of the student assistants fell asleep. Dr. Expensor and Dr. Jenkins immediately forced the students eyes open and there they saw it.

Seated inside the eye, was a tiny plankton. It turned out that the blind spot in our retina is caused by the plankton sitting there.

Marine Biologist Stephen Hillenburg said, “Finally, somebody will take this seriously. I’ve been trying to draw attention to plankton for years and only kids would pay attention.”

Yes, it turns out that humans are just big mechanical devices that allow plankton to move around. When asked about it, the plankton said, “It was cold and wet in the ocean, plus we kept getting eaten by whales, so we built these devices, by which I mean, uh you, to go around and wreck the whole planet.”