12/12/10

I am UPSET! I have come to the conclusion that dudes aint shit! lol Am I late or what? I am tired, exhausted but I cant sleep. I keep on stressing the old and worrying about the new. I do want to do too much, I wish I had more than 2 heads and maybe just an extra brain. Stress is overpowering me, man I really need my pills! I cant believe I forgot them at school and am surprised I am not a wreck without them. I am learning a lot about myself lately and besides taking care of myself, grades and future there aint shit else to do. At times I wish I were in the middle of nowhere just looking out into the scenery. it seems like some lazy shit but I just want to appreciate life. Wouldnt it be wonderful to admire the sunrise? To be able to analyze how exactly do birds fly? I would love to allow the wind to carry my soul so it can see all the beautiful sights, smell nature’s aroma and feel against my aura the sweet, beautiful vibes that come from our animals, our air, I want to be lifted and become one with earth. But there is no time for dreaming and wishes, but man I wish there were. I want to close my eyes and and be able to see the greater picture, not miss out on anything in sight. My romanticist views get the best out of me sometimes because I know life is not like this at all. People suffer, some are tortured we are a destructive force. I am upset for continuing to wish, to hope that things will get better. A sucker for not realizing the truth and an idiot for avoiding reality. I want to remain positive, but im being tempted at all times. My uncle is trying to cross the border as we speak, I am praying for him to make it back safe I want him to be alive. And as I wait for my kidneys to deteriorate I am laid out in a bed without the desire to sleep. Life is too precious to waste away with pure imageries, too beautiful for me not to care. I keep on saying I am upset yet I cannot start writing about why I hurt. I dont want to be repetitive yet I did say this is for me right? I came out of a bad relationship and he haunts me. I cant stop thinking about him, details do not invade my thoughts but his name does. I wonder if he’s ok sitting in federal prison, does my name cross his mind? Shit I wonder how I havent suffered a heart attack, my heart is not that big for me to sit here and care about everybody else. Why do I give a fuck? He didnt care about me as he crept and did his dirt. He didnt care all those nights I sent him I love you texts and baby i miss you’s. If only he could feel my pain…for me. What sick game would I win? at the end I would only be lying to myself, deceiving my own values. For some time i thought I should lower my standards and I kept doing so until I had none but now im raising the bar so high I doubt anyone can even touch it with their fingertips while on their tippie toes. GODDAMN! There is this one guy i am starting to give a chance to but its starting to be all talk and no actions. is it like that because once i find someone i like i look for excuses to push them away? No. he is iffy or could I be asking for too much? Aarrghh here I go in circles again. Its close to 2am shit it is 2am I need some sleep before i get back to doing work. I will post as much of my poems as i can….goodbye cyberworld

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