12/11/10

When the water runs dryp3I am new to this blogging world. In fact I do not know what a blog is, to be honest, all I know is that I can write write and write how I feel. Please do not expect this to be grammatically correct, it wont be. Funny? Maybe. I am scared of how much information to actually share but the title itself has something to say right? I will post things that I previously wrote and will continue to write as the days progress. Right now I am currently in the hospital. I have type 1 diabetes and have been struggling with it for what seems like forever! I say I am doing all I can but I feel as though I can do more, I need to do better. My kidneys are suffering and this is my wake up call, I will get my act together. Wow I actually said an action. With me it has always been should be, need to, never WILL. I WILL GET MY ACT TOGETHER, wow I believe myself. I know many people have blogs, and everyone has the option to read anything they want so why read my posts? To be honest…I dont know. All I know is that I, along the rest of the world have been through alot and I am using this space for myself not for you. I am not even sure if anyone will read this if you do please leave comments. I need to achieve my next level not for anyone else but for myself, how to let go of the hurt if I do not talk about it? I still cry at night when im alone so I run away from solitude. I try to share my bed, prevent myself from falling asleep I do whatever it takes to avoid the emptiness. The pills work but my life has been so hectic I havent had time for anything, not even myself. That is the real reason why I ended up here in the hospital. I am not looking for excuses or understanding from anyone,  I am tired of being babied yet I keep putting myself in those situations. My parents want me to transfer close to home but how will that help me out in the future? I know that they will feel better but the closer i get the harder it will get for me to breathe. I spent weeks and months crying,  I have wasted years tearing and it does nothing for me. Moving back home will put me back in the same position, I need that independence to grow. I want to blossom, I know I have potential, I need to be alive for a purpose because God has given me too many chances and im in life 8 out of the 9 granted. Procrastination has been my worst ally lol because of him or her whatever it is I havent gotten shit done but I just feel like crap! Can I please get the luxury to feel like shit? As I write this I am thinking about all the other chronicles I have written and am debating whether to post them or not, what do I call them? I originally wanted to turn this into a book but who would read my story? Maybe when i become somebody who makes a difference i will write about my life yet I want to believe i am there right now, i hope i am making a difference in somebody’s life…..anyone?

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