A personal essay about my life and work as an English major.

 

Today was a good day.

I had a delicious breakfast with my publisher. It was a brisk autumn morning, the kind that makes you excited for the holidays; when the cold might actually be worth it. I wore my favorite red coat and the new sweater dress my best friend bought me for my birthday. I always felt silly wearing that red coat when I was younger, but now, as an established author in New York, I felt unstoppable with it.

In just a few days, my first book would be published. It was a children’s book I had been working on for the past 10 months. It was grueling work, but I’d never felt more accomplished as a writer. It felt that my English degree was finally paying off, and I was doing my dream job. It was a feeling that would take a lifetime to forget.

That was the ultimate dream.

***

I knew that after college, life would start out at a small company, working a small job. I’d live with maybe a hundred roommates so I could just get by with rent, and my stomach would be filled with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I knew that. It would take time and dedication to get to somewhere that made it all worth it. 

For now, though, I’m a senior in college, anxious for what the world out there has to offer. I just hope that when all this is over, I can say that my experiences as an English major have been worth it. I hope I feel fulfilled.

***

The date was September 30th, 2019. It was another cold, Monday morning. I was tired and cranky, and I just wanted to stay in bed. It felt like I could never catch a break, the universe was not slowing down, and not even staying at the same pace. It felt that time was speeding up and I just could not catch up. Ever. My draft for my Integrative Experience class was already four days late. I had been trying desperately for the past few days to figure out what to write about for our second assignment. Lately, as a senior in college, I’ve been psyching myself out about the future, and what I’m going to do. What did I even want to do? I had three majors, and I still had no clue what I wanted to do for a career! Talk about a hot mess. This fear of never being satisfied with my job had been slowly seeping into me for the past few months. I felt that this dread was never-ending.

***

My dance coach from high school, Jamie, called me on Wednesday. She wanted to know about my life and how I was handling my senior year. I wasn’t going to lie and tell her things were going smoothly. 

“I just don’t want to have gone through all these majors, just to not even use them in the end,” 

“Amanda, I know you’ll use your majors. That shouldn’t be something you worry too much about,” said Jamie. I knew that she could feel my worry right through the phone.

I continued.

“I know, I just can’t believe it’s my senior year and I have to really start thinking about the real world. I’ve had 10 mental breakdowns already since getting here. But I have to remind myself that my first job doesn’t have to be the most amazing job in the world.”

Having been my coach for 18 years of my life, Jamie knew me better than most people. I’d been through ups and downs with her, and I knew I could always count on her to set me straight.

She told me this, “Listen Amanda, what is your dream job? Think about what you want to do, and start there. Apply for a job that you probably won’t get right away, but do it anyway. Talk to people in the field already. Fill yourself up with knowledge, make connections. Make the process less scary by preparing yourself now.”

I knew she was right. It felt good to hear it out loud. I felt better, but there was still a little cherry pit in my stomach.

***

Since being in the major, my outlook on careers has definitely shifted. I’ve been thinking about what it means to have an English degree, and what it means to be a professional living and working in the real world. It is tough work. But one thing I’ve also learned about myself is that I really do have what it takes, no matter how much it feels like I don’t sometimes. Sometimes, it really feels like the world is caving in. But after I graduate, I’ll find a job. It probably won’t be where I want to be, but I’ll learn. And then after that maybe I’ll find another job, or progress at the same one. And while I’m working, I can still find how my passion for writing can fit into so many other parts of life. I think senior year is just a constant reminding of myself that life has only just begun.

***

I sat down to write my draft. Where did I want to begin? I thought back to Jamie’s words. She told me to start at the place that I wanted to be. Where did I want to be? Well, I knew I wanted to be successful, and I wanted to be in a city. I wanted to be a well-established author, and I wanted my books covering the shelves at bookstores. I wanted people to know who I was for my writing; I wanted to be recognized for the hard work that I’ve done. So, that is where I started. I wrote:

“Today was a good day. I had a delicious breakfast with my publisher…”