Tristan Macdonald

In cold chaos, shred asunder,
Tilted world of cackles, cries,
When our lives seemed left for plunder,
Ever searching with lost eyes,

You found us in seething seas,
Gasping, grasping for dry lands,
Took our place on bleeding knees,
Whisking us to warm white sands.

Tempests tear and twist the earth,
Yet we need not fear nor ache,
For we‟re welcome in Your berth,
In the bedlam a calm lake.

So let us know You, brilliant Son,
Even with our hearts in flux,
That when shattered, we‟re still one, Love and truth our sacred crux.

Tristan Macdonald

The brick‟s locked in the building‟s grid,
Dusty white with blackened specks
Like starry night reversed,
Like the great Big Bang imploding in
To switch space, flip space inside-out,
Each brick a galaxy.

Who were the first to mold the mud,
To form those clay-sand cakes?
Did they do it to keep their loved ones warm,
Risking dirty, silty crusts
That formed on hands that packed the muck?
Or was it just a restoration,
Bringing back some order
To the dirty, spilled Creation?

Even before the clays and sands,
Did the Maker pack the stars in hands
That crusted in the stardust?
Did He let it all go? It still separates.
He pierced His hands on human hate
And caked His skin in blood.
Was it to bring us back to Him, together,
He who shaped us from the mud?

I let this pen and paper meet
To fight the distance with the love
That cools the great expanding heat
Like iron tempered in a flood,
My hands now dappled by ink spots
That quite resemble those bricks‟ dots.

Katy Staley

The last streams of hot water wash through my new short hair, now a brilliant shade of fluorescent orange. Those spiky strands scream my independence, my uniqueness. I never thought of myself as a rebel, until I looked back on my teenage years of fluorescent hair, ridiculous clothes, and my fight to be different. There is always some rite of passage for teenagers. They are destined to go against the values they have learned from their parents. As I look back on those days, I begin to wonder what it is that makes kids feel so repulsed by their parents and so com-fortable screaming, “I hate you!”, after being told they have to take out their belly button ring, or that they‟re grounded for missing curfew. The answer now seems very simple. Despite our moody, broody exterior, most of us know deep down that our parents love us. They aren‟t going to desert us when they see the garish color of neon orange we have decided to dye our hair. They aren‟t going to stop loving us no matter how many times we scream in rage.
Lately, it seems I have been in my teenage years all over again, this time in my relationship with God. For a long time, I have been wrestling with this commit-ment I‟ve made to “follow Christ.” As a result, for many months, my fickle adolescent faith has been rebelling. Just like with my parents, I know that no matter how many times I run from God, go somewhere I‟m not sup-posed to, or scream, “I hate you”, at Him, he just keeps on loving me. The more I learn about Christ and His truth in grace, the more in awe I become. How can someone forgive my sins without questions? Am I worth that kind of love? If I am a product of grace, what does that mean for my life? Does it mean I can sin and sin and he is going to forgive me no matter what? If so, there is no reason to ever listen when He speaks. At first, I had trouble grasping this concept. How can God just forgive me? I‟m constantly failing, messing up, and acting foolish even when I know I shouldn‟t. After struggling with this for awhile, I began to realize that it doesn‟t have to make perfect sense to me. All I need to know is that Christ loves me for who I am, every messy, crazy inch. He is a God of grace. I don‟t have to question it; I just have to accept this in-credible gift He is offering me. With this realization came that adolescent moment: If God is going to forgive me anyway, what do I have to worry about? The most obvious answer was other Christians. Paul says in Ro-mans 8, however, that each man is responsible for his own convictions in Christ and no one should pass judg-ment on another for his convictions. This thought proc-ess led to a 180 degree change in my behavior. I was on a complete grace high. I no longer had to justify my convictions to others, which led me to ignore them when I talked to God. My convictions flew out the win-dow when it came to everything from tithing to drinking to personal relationships. I used God‟s omnipresent grace as justification for my behavior. I knew He would forgive me. I knew He would be there when I returned and I didn‟t feel any remorse about my behavior. In fact, I managed to convince myself that I was closer to God than I‟d ever been. After all, I had mastered the concept of grace, one that people struggle their whole lives to understand and accept.

Just recently, however, as I attended a church event for the first time in months, a new realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not close to God. My con-victions had not disappeared; I was just covering them over with my childish, stubborn behavior. That night I felt more alone than I‟d felt in months. I cried in bed, crashing hard from my grace high, realizing that those grace lessons I‟d mastered weren‟t mastered at all. I‟m farther from the truth than I ever imagined. Now I am in a convoluted place, needing grace for abusing grace. Just like being nineteen again and emerging from adolescence awed by my parents love, I am emerging from spiritual adolescence knowing God‟s love and grace are still being offered to me, but struggling to reach out and take them because of the shame I feel. I have learned a lesson about grace these past months, but it was not the easy lesson I had hoped. I did not find a quick fix for my convictions, and I did not find the true nature of grace. What I did find was how broken I am and how much I really need to ac-cept grace, but not as something to abuse. God gives us grace free of charge, but He doesn‟t give us license to have a free for all. Although I am free in grace, that does-n‟t mean I am without the responsibility this grace comes with. I am called to live a life pleasing to the One who created me and who died for me and who loves me no matter how badly I mess up. □

Dave Master

I was born again this summer in the Atlantic Ocean through a baptism ceremony. It was sunset and the clouds glowed an incandescent red as the waves rolled into shore. As my good friend and brother in Christ dunked my head below the surface, I could still feel the sky‟s red tint on the back of my eyelids. As my body reemerged, tears flushed down my cheeks and I made my way back to the shore. I cried like a baby.
I am a Jersey boy surfer, born and raised. I grew up in a town about forty-five minutes inland and have found my outlet through the thrill of riding waves. But more than just an outlet for my teenaged angst, surfing has taught me how to fear something big-ger and more powerful than myself. Jersey cannot pro-duce such scary waves. In each surfer‟s heart, there is a deep-rooted need to surf bigger and better breaks; a blessing and a curse, one might say.
As a freshman in col-lege, I took a trip to the west coast of Costa Rica along with my older and much wiser brother in search of those bigger and better waves. We surfed a variety of waves: point breaks, river mouth breaks, and rock-reef breaks, to name a few. I will never forget a place called Avellanas, nick-named “Little Ha-waii.” Despite its street name, those waves weren‟t so little. Those waves taught me how to fear. They made me feel as though I was a speck on a clean mirror, an unworthy trespasser in holy territory. But I remember charging those waves with undeterred determination.
My surfboard was a nine foot long Robert Au-gust, and I saved up a heaping load of money when I was 16 to make such an ambitious purchase.
Mr. August is a surf legend whom I admired and studied. I watched each step he made on his long board from surf videos and even mimicked a few. But I was quickly rendered incapable of perfecting an August-based surf-ing style. My board was cracked in two by the raw power of a Costa Rican wave while surfing “Little Ha-waii.” Luckily, I wasn‟t.
As I sheepishly retrieved both pieces of the fiber glass carcass, I wandered into the river mouth. A river mouth is usually the source of a good break, depending on the tide conditions. But as I wan-dered through this river mouth, I found an intact sand dollar. I have seen that sand dollar as the ocean‟s collateral for breaking my board; it was my payback. The ocean, yet again, deemed itself worthy of my respect.
Through the years, the ocean has become an in-tegral part of my life. I am now a fifth year ocean lifeguard, a profession in which I witness the ocean‟s sense of humor with inexperienced beach patrons. My life has been something of a dialogical relationship with the salty water. It has also been the shared medium and forming ground between me and many friends. One friend that I met on the beach was a guy about fifty years old. He was a wind surfing in-structor for one of the island‟s local surf shops and con-sidered a local legend. I had the fortune of guarding the beach street he lived on; I was able to use his bathroom instead of the ocean. He was divorced and lived alone. For the winter season, he made his way to Costa Rica in order to avoid Jersey winters at the beach.
The island transforms during the winter and be-comes deserted and depressing. His character was formed by riding waves and shaping surfboards, and his knowledge of the water was vast. He understood the way each curve in a surfboard affected a surfer‟s style. He also understood how the wind affected the ocean and the form of the waves. He was a natural ocean reader. I asked him to fix my board, as he was a frequent visitor to Costa Rica and fellow sympathizer of broken boards. Being an experienced shaper, he decided to do it free of charge.
Three summers later, he finished his work.
As my friend was working on my board, we made small talk. He of-fered me a Corona, and the talk became much bigger. He told me about his failed relationship with his wife and his re-gret for not doing a better job with his mar-riage. Then he looked at me and said with a smile, “Yah know Dave, every-one deserves a new begin-ning. I am now baptizing your surfboard.” With that, he took another gulp of his Corona and applied the last coat of resin on top of the fiber glass. He was truly an artist, with foam and fiberglass as his medium.
He helped deliver my board into new life.
Dear Lord, deliver us from evil.
My friend helped me understand an important part of my faith without even knowing it. He helped me un-derstand baptism on a human level; my board was bro-ken and he mended it back together, into a new crea-tion. I am broken. I want people to like me. I am jeal-ous. I do nice things for people to make myself feel good. I am incapable of doing good. In Thessalonians 3:13, Paul says “Do not grow weary in doing good.” In I Timothy 1:9, Paul also writes “The law is not made for a righteous person.” So even by doing good, we not only see ourselves as capable beings, and therefore disabling
Jesus to shape our lives, but we also prove the fact that we are unrighteous, as the law was made for unrighteous
men. We need to be mended back together and we can‟t do it alone. Otherwise, we can only hope to save ourselves.
Admitting the need of being mended back together is the hardest part.
Just as Jesus “made himself nothing, in human like-ness”, as Paul writes in Philippians 2:7, we must do the same. The words “human” and “humble” come from the same root meaning “earth”. Jesus calls himself the Son of Man 81 times in the New Testament. He is what God intended man to be, and he made himself nothing.
I am nothing, too.
I came to understand my faith through something hu-man, through surfing and the art of perfecting my tech-nique. I have learned to fear God by fearing twelve foot waves. I have such respect for larger waves, and they give me an unexplainable thrill. Maybe that thrill comes from the per-petual threat of wiping out in the midst of potential suc-cess. As a surfer, wiping out is just part of the life, an unavoid-able hitch.
But as Jesus says, “a seed must fall before it can take root”. Falling is not the “end all, be all” of Christi-anity. It is necessary; rather it is crucial for growth. And it happens a lot.
Jesus seems to like seed metaphors and uses them many times. He compares the kingdom of heaven to a mustard seed. A mustard seed, other than blossoming into a nuisance of a plant, must be crushed in order for its potency to be released. We are called to die an earthly death, to be born again, offering our bodies as living sac-rifices in order for our potency to be released into this world. Such a potent odor, like mustard, isn‟t exactly a nice odor. It is strong and overbearing, and some might say it is revolting. So, instead of comparing the kingdom of heaven to something that we think is nice, like a blue-berry or a tomato seed, Jesus decides to surprise all of us with his mustard seed metaphor, with something not-so-nice. Jesus is always revolting from what is expected.
The Bible uses very intentional language to describe heaven, words such as deliver, born again, and king-dom. Each word echoes the shared human experience and can be found in the Lord‟s Prayer. In the Lord‟s Prayer, we pray, “Thy kingdom come, thy will be done”. We actually pray for the kingdom of heaven to come to earth. “Our citizenship is in heaven,” Paul writes in Philippians 3:20. Our kingdom isn‟t America or Canada, or wherever we may come from. It is in heaven, and we are called to be born again to receive a new citizenship in God‟s kingdom. God literally deliv-ers us through a new birth into a new kingdom, just as a doctor helps our mothers to deliver us into this world.
It is a little scary to think about, but the words of Jesus are very explicit: “Deliver us from evil”, implying that anything outside the kingdom of heaven is evil. Many of the early Christians were guilty of treason against Rome, as they did not claim allegiance to the empire, but to Heaven! It is not safe to say, but I am born again.
Baptism doesn‟t make life happier or easier. It is a proclamation of new life; life in God‟s kingdom. It is a public statement of rebirth. Jesus entered the human condition well aware of pain and suffering. As infants, we were introduced to this world, crying; we were im-mediately introduced to the concept of pain. To be born again isn‟t to be happy. It is still painful and difficult. Just look at the cross! In Philippians 1:29, Paul writes, “For to you salvation has been granted on behalf of Christ, not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for his sake.” Jesus and Paul have not only accepted suffer-ing, but they‟ve embraced it! To be human is to feel pain.
Moses also understood this concept of pain. He led the Jews from the Egyptian Empire and baptized them through the crossing of the Red Sea. Even though he led them from slavery, the Israelites still felt the pain of be-ing separated from the Empire, their home. They wanted to return to Egypt and to slavery. It was com-fortable. The Israelites‟ crossing of the Red Sea is a beautiful image of a birth canal and the Israelites passed through it like a baby. Just as our first births are of wa-ter, so are our second births through baptism. But Jesus baptizes us not only of water, but of the spirit, and it is through the spirit that we are truly born again.
When the Israelites set foot on the other side of the Red Sea, they were born again.
When I set foot on the other side of the shore back in Jersey, I was born again. My citizenship is in Heaven, and God is my Deliverer. □

Tristan Macdonald
(Spoiler Alert!)

“You complete me”. In Christopher Nolan‟s master-piece The Dark Knight, the Joker hijacks this classic ro-mantic line and twists it into a scarred perversion. He says it to Batman not as a lover, but as a parasite. Within this statement lies not just a joke, but also the Joker‟s entire philosophy of evil.
As in Christian theology, evil is not an equal and opposite force to good; it is the freely willed corruption of good. Evil is the negation of good, like chaos is the absence of order. The Joker views Gotham as Satan views Creation: it is a purity to be poisoned.
The Joker is quite serious in his declaration that Batman completes him. Because most of his closest as-sociates escaped from Arkham Asylum, it is safe to as-sume that the Joker also escaped during the events of Batman Begins. That would explain his apparent arrival out of nowhere. Arkham is home to broken psyches, and the Joker is no exception. In order to compensate for his brokenness, he becomes parasitic on people‟s goodness, especially the goodness of Batman. Just as God created humanity in His perfect image, the Joker breaks human-ity to remodel it into his broken image. It is therefore probable that he gave himself his scars just for the sake of corruption. After all, the most logical place to begin corrupting God‟s image is in one‟s own image.
In the Joker‟s philosophy of corruption, free will is essential because evil is a choice. In all of the moral di-lemmas he presents to the citizens of Gotham, he empha-sizes that they must make a choice. Of course, he at-tempts to trick them into believing that all choices will lead to death or corruption, thereby debunking morality and establishing evil as the world‟s governing principle. In one dilemma, Batman must choose to allow either the woman he loves or the good district attorney to die. Later, the citizens of Gotham must either kill an infor-mant or allow a hospital to explode. All of the Joker‟s dilemmas require choice, but he never mentions the choices that would avoid succumbing to evil.
The Joker‟s stories about his scars are another indicator that evil is freely willed. All of his stories present him as a victim of circumstance, playing off society‟s tendency to attribute evil to external forces instead of choice. It is much easier to change one‟s surroundings than to grap-ple with the mystery of free will, so psychology often understates the fact that evil is ultimately a choice. How-ever, the Joker‟s story changes every time he tells it. He refuses to be a product of his environment, since that would deny his agency in choosing evil.
Still, the Joker knows that evil is not a presence, but rather a negation of good. That explains his state-ment, “I‟m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn‟t know what to do with one if I caught it”. Contrary to his self-identification as an “agent of chaos”, he does not want Gotham to become utter chaos. If it did, he would have nothing left to corrupt, just as a dog would have nothing to do if it caught a car. That is why he tells Batman, “I won‟t kill you, because you‟re just too much fun”. As long as Batman stays good, the Joker will always have someone to corrupt. To first-time viewers of the film, it may seem like a contradiction that the Joker attempts to blow up the armored car containing Harvey Dent, whom he believes to be Batman at the time. It would seem that the Joker is lying when he later tells Batman, “I don‟t want to kill you! What would I do without you?”. How-ever, it turns out that the Joker is being completely con-sistent. He wishes to corrupt Batman by making the hero remove the mask, thereby leaving Gotham at the mercy of criminals. When Harvey Dent pretends to reveal him-self as Batman, the Joker believes that he has finally corrupted the hero, so he has no more need for Batman. That is why he attempts to kill Dent. When the real Bat-man arrives on the scene, the Joker realizes that he has not corrupted the hero, so he no longer wishes to kill him. The villain is therefore like a virus, which corrupts its host‟s DNA and kills its host once the corruption is complete. Like a virus, evil is not self-sustaining, since it constantly requires good to negate.
Despite the prominence of the Joker‟s evil, the film offers hope in the tattooed prisoner during the ferry dilemma. Given the choice of either blowing up the other ferry or having his ferry blown up, the pris-oner transcends the dilemma by throwing his detonator out the window. His choice is clearly informed by his faith, as illustrated by his prayers before and after his decision. He knows that he does not have the right to decide the fate of others‟ lives, so he places life in the hands of its rightful owner, God. In this manner, he chooses God‟s rules over those of the Joker. At the same time, Batman removes the Joker‟s detonator, pre-venting the villain from setting the rules. Christ made an analogous decision when His life was in jeop-ardy. He chose not to play by the corrupted rules of the world; He did not even attempt to defend Himself be-fore His society‟s legal system. Instead, He placed Himself in the hands of His Father, allowing Himself to be crushed by the world‟s evil. But death cannot overcome life when God‟s will is followed. Christ is risen from the dead, and both ferries survive by rising above the Joker‟s dilemma. Evil may be able to slash its smile upon the world, but God enters through the scars and heals them. □

Jennifer Swick

This question plagues my mind on a regular basis. Sometimes it is every day for weeks, and other times it’s once a year, yet for as long as I can remem-ber, I’ve notice its presence in my life. It speaks in the back of my mind, quietly, yet unrelentingly. This part of me deep down inside needs…. no, longs to know that I am loved.
When you know Jesus as someone who is alive, and who wants to bring you, the real you, to life, it stops you in your tracks. There is so much hope in His message. He says that one day we will reign with Him. That He will bestow on us a crown of righteousness. That He delights over us. That His grace is there for us every day.
On a good day, I can accept this easily. Sure, all of that is true. I don’t seem like a bad person, most of the time, and if there is a God, well then I guess He should love me.
This type of belief, I’ve come to find, is not sufficient for me. It’s almost like the state of mind you go into when you’re watching a movie. For the duration of the film you accept whatever the screen director throws at you. Suddenly, you feel what the character feels and dream about their dreams. You could have that life; you would jump from rooftops to get away from the cops too. But then the movie ends and you face your life, where things don’t work out all the time, where you can’t jump to save your life, where you feel insignificant, and inadequate, where you realize things about you that you don’t have the power to change.
For me, the movie analogy is like my spiritual life. When I listen to someone talk about how much God loves me, sometimes my mind takes a back seat and I just accept everything, no questions asked. Yes, God does love me and I have God-given talents, and I can live a righteous life, and I can have an intimate relationship with Him where I know exactly what He is thinking, feeling and planning.
But, on tough days, I find that my power of positive thinking leaves me lacking. I can’t simply tell myself that Jesus loves me because that’s what every-one else says. The movie isn’t playing; it’s just me and God. And all I can see are my inadequacies. The times when I’ve deliberately turned away from Him, when I can’t seem to stop doing this or that, or when I come face to face with my desire for the things that He calls detest-able. In those moments when I am so aware of my unworthiness I hear that quiet voice loud and clear, “How could you possibly love me God??” and more importantly “Why do you love me when all I ever do is fail?”
I have to say that most of the time my question is not answered right away. I am forced to wrestle with this tension and disbelief. It is a process that I’ve become very familiar with but somehow the more I challenge His love, the more I am convinced that it is true.
I am forced to admit that I do not know the love He has for me, and that I am in the process of learning everyday. I don’t see what He sees when He looks at me, simply because He is God and I am not. I am limited by my understanding and the love that He speaks about in the Bible, is outside of my realm of comprehension. I have no context in which to un-derstand it because of the world I live in.
We don’t have a good idea of what love truly is because we live in a world where love is superficial, conditional, temporary, only in the movies etc. All of us have experienced countless times in our lives when we should have been loved by those around us but weren’t. Friends tear you down. Teachers don’t care about your success, or parents are cold and distant. The list could go on and on. The sad reality is that we live in a fallen world where none of us are capable of loving each other perfectly. However, the story does-n’t end there. We have a God who is Love. There is so much more in-store for us that we haven’t fully experienced yet.
I have become convinced that the more I wres-tle with believing in this love, the quieter that ques-tion in the back of my heart becomes. And even though I go through times when I am not loved by people in my life, or when I myself can’t imagine how anyone could love me, I find that as my emotions set-tle, they settle on the firm foundation of His uncondi-tional love, and I am amazed once again. The only way to learn about this love is to seek it for yourself. Take a small step of faith and ask Him to show you. God is looking for people who will engage in a rela-tionship with Him, and trust me, it is worth it! □

David Lavallee

In His Name

What‟s in a name? It is a means of identifica-tion. You say, “My name is…, or I am…,” when you meet someone new. This is nothing more than a symbol for your true self. Jesus has many names. Some were given before birth. Some were self proclaimed, and oth-ers were created by his enemies. Whatever the source, they all work to enhance our understanding of his iden-tity.
Alpha and Omega, Author of Life, Bread of Life, Firstborn over all creation, Good Shepherd, Holy One, Image of God, Son of God, Immanuel, Light of the World, Lamb of God, King of kings, King of the Jews, Christ, Jesus, Hope, Word and I Am are only a portion of his titles. We can look at a few and learn much.
His birth name, Jesus, is sufficient to know him, but it is vital to remember that he was before he was known as Jesus. The Christmas story is well known. An angel comes to Joseph, his earthly father, and says, “[Mary] will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins”.3 It is a great story, but if it is merely the tale of how Jesus came into being, those who follow him are truly without hope.
“I tell you the truth, if anyone keeps my word, he will never see death”4, Jesus tells the crowd that is chal-lenging him. A bold claim for sure. You can understand why they shouted back, “Now we know that you are demon-possessed! Abraham died and so did the prophets, yet you say that if anyone keeps your word, he will never taste death. Are you greater than our father Abraham? He died and so did the prophets. Who do you think you are?”5 Here is a direct assault on his iden-tity. Jesus answers them by giving himself another name. “„I tell you the truth,‟ Jesus answered, „before Abraham was born, I am!‟”.6
To understand the full weight of this claim, we must turn to the book of Exodus. Moses is speaking with God about deliverance for the Israelites out of bondage. Moses says to God, “„Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, „The God of your fathers has sent me to you,‟ and they ask me, „What is his name?‟ Then what shall I tell them?‟”.7 God responds, “„ I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: „I AM has sent me to you‟”.8

Jesus claims to be this I AM. This does not make him merely a son of God, but God in the flesh.

The Gospel of John begins, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning”.9 Word is synonymous with the Greek term, logos, which is the rational principle that governs everything. Jesus is the Word. He is God reaching out toward humanity; “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us”.10
Now see the just born Jesus with his two poor earthly parents. His heavenly father created all things, yet Joseph is a simple carpenter. It is impossible to grasp how much he gave up to be with us. He came to set an example and to fulfill his purpose. He came, not so those who believe could be like him, but so they could be one with him.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus, who, being in very nature God, did not con-sider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a ser-vant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth.11

By His Way

The book of Isaiah speaks of a suffering servant. It says, “He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering”.12 Written well before the birth of Jesus, this is a prophecy about him. But why did he have to suffer? Wasn‟t there another way? If there was, he suffered and died for nothing. He did it because, “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all”.13

How confusing it is to see so many sects within Christianity when “God will answer all our questions in one way and one way only, namely, by showing us more of his Son”.14 There are already hundreds of ways to see “truth” in the world. How many never find the living God because of rituals and misplaced emphasis? I am back in that intersection if this is all I can see. I am lost in a crowd. Thankfully, God isn‟t hiding behind abstract teachings, “For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him”.15
Watchman Nee writes, “He has given only one gift to meet all our need: his Son Christ Jesus”.16 If Je-sus is who he is, why do we need him? The Bible an-swers this with the verse, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”.17 This is a touchy subject because it challenges us all to reflect upon our sinful identity. So, we need him before we know him, but we do not know that before we know him. When one of Jesus‟ first disciples came to believe, “He fell at Jesus‟ knees and said, „Go away from me, Lord: I am a sinful man!‟”.18 Only after we are faced with something greater than ourselves can we face ourselves to find our own inadequacy. It is easy to say that Jesus came to save the world, but it is more difficult to say that Jesus came to save me because that means I cannot save my-self.
For the believer, it always comes back to the cross. It is the peak of Jesus‟ suffering, but it is also the place where he took upon himself the full weight of sin “once for all”.19 He took our place. Watchman Nee writes, “We think of the Christian life as a „changed life‟ but it is not that. What God offers us is an „exchanged life,‟ a „substituted life,‟ and Christ is our substitute within”.20 We can live for Jesus because he died for us. And we live because he lives. Every need is met and every question is answered through Jesus.
Before his death, Jesus assured his disciples, “You know the way to the place where I am going”.21 Even they questioned this: “Lord, we don‟t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”22 Keep-ing true to his character, “Jesus answered, „I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me‟”.25 Everything is placed on him. This would be an absolute hell, if Jesus were just a gate-keeper. Many of us even make him into a food item, or a magical token that might get us to Heaven. The temp-tation is to make him small enough to control. Fortu-nately, this is not his way.

With His Love
The only way anyone can love God is if He loves them first. Jesus said, “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart…for out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks”.24 Now look at the verse which says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life”.25 Jesus is the Son and he is also the Word. “Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made”.26 Out of the overflow of God’s heart came the words to create life. Jesus is God communicating with the world. He is proof of His love. Of course, what does this mean if you don’t know him?
The world is always spinning. It is orbiting around the Sun. Our solar system is moving as well. Even our galaxy moves in the Universe. With this con-stant movement comes the constant flow of time. One day leads into the next. People are born and people die. We find happiness in another and then that person be-comes a source of heartache. In many ways we are slaves to the cycles of life. We’re hurtling through the busy intersection being driven by forces outside of our-selves.
When Jesus came to that cross on that day and at that time, he wasn’t just facing the crowd before him. He faced all people in all places. He felt the full weight of their sin and didn’t blink. He did it because, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends”.27
That same Jesus is alive today. It’s a ridiculous statement if you don’t know him, but if you do, it rings true from the bottom of your heart. I look back at my-self in that car and I see that I was not alone. I’m not the most important creature in the universe, but that’s the best news I’ve ever heard. In a world of uncertain-ties and constant transition, I can depend on the un-changing heart of Jesus Christ, “The same yesterday and today and forever”.28 □
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1John 8:25, The NIV Study Bible, ed. Kenneth Barker et al. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1995).
2John 3:11
3Matthew 1:21
4John 8:51
5John 8: 52-53
6John 8: 58
7Exodus 3:13
8Exodus 3:14
9John 1:1-2
10John 1:14
11Philippians 2:6-10
12Isaiah 53:2-3
13Isaiah 53: 6
14Watchman Nee, The Normal Christian Life (Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, 1977), 12.
15Colossians 1:19, The NIV Study Bible
16Nee, 182
17Romans 3:23, The NIV Study Bible
18Luke 5:8
19Romans 6:10
20Nee, 180
21John 14: 4, The NIV Study Bi-ble
22John 14:5
23John 14:6
24Luke 6:45
25John 3:16
26John 1:3
27John 15:13
28Hebrews 13:8

Tristan Macdonald

I kneel, Knees sinking ever deeper into the abyss.
Hands folded, fingers locked—I am locked—
For I can never accept that Mercy‟s kiss.

I rise,
And my body flows with the pilgrim rivers
That trudge through trial toward oceans pure.
Exerted, encumbered, my frail heart quivers.

I look—
He hangs weeping, praying, tacked to tree
While I tread sleeping, conscience seeping,
Soaked sins dripping, drowning me.

I pray, I ever pray—
Lord, I am not worthy to receive You,
But only say the word and I shall be healed—
Can even I of darkest stain therein be born anew?

Or will I never hear Your word, awash in all my fears—
Your justice shunned, Your love denied,
I‟m deaf with poisoned ears.

Kirill Zenchenko

When we look outside to see if it‟s raining, how do we know? Do we see the falling drops? Well, yes, but not without help. We couldn‟t see the rain if it were not for the background of buildings and trees, roads and skies. Look up, day or night, and try to see the rain. It‟s not possible. This is something like Christianity. We can‟t see who we are or what we truly do until we have the background. What is good, and what is not? Are people bad, and if so, how bad is our badness? For all we know, we‟re just invisible people falling from somewhere to elsewhere. And that‟s what many people do believe.

What do we do when we see that it‟s rain-ing? Some dress properly with an umbrella and rain boots. Some make plans to stay inside, and others go out of their way to get wet. When we see that it‟s raining, we respond.
But what if we didn‟t see the rain, because there was no background for us? If everyone went outside without knowing that it was raining out, what a mess we would have. It‟s the muck most of the world is in today. We don‟t know who we are, what we‟re capable of or what we‟re meant for. We‟re walking into the rain ill-prepared. □

Jared Wright

THEN THE LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:
„Who is this that darkens my Counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you and you will answer me. Where were you when I laid the earths foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?1
Oh, Job. I know. I know all too well.
Who am I? I am no one and nothing in com-parison to God, yet I can‟t help it. I question God. How can I do this? I love truth. If God is truth, I love Him. If not, I don‟t know what I love. I sincerely want God to be real, and I have dedicated my life to His truth, yet I can‟t help but be like the doubtful disciple, Thomas, asking, „Where are the holes in your hands and the wound in your side, Lord?‟, because I am blind.

I grew up in a Christian community. God was everywhere: in my church, in my house, in my par-ents, in my heart, in my shoes, everywhere. I attended a Baptist church. They were a practical bunch, yet still full of joy and love. As for me, I asked Jesus into my heart at the age of six while I drew a picture of Moses with some Crayolas; I showed my mom the picture, but forgot to tell her about the Jesus thing. I made a personal commitment to Christ at fourteen while on a missions trip to Mexico. I saw little children running around covered in dirt without a school or a home, without a future. I asked, where is their hope, and how can they still have victory?
Well, in Christ, I thought.
I realized I wanted my life and goals to come from a place where nothing could take it away, a place of truth. I see and saw such truth in the ministry of Christ, and I found purpose in his commands, “Go into the entire world and preach the good news to all Creation”.2 There is such a need for God‟s work, and I knew right then and there I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to do something real with my life, and I found the ability to give that sustenance by dedicating my life to Christ.

One night, with the stars as my witness, I knelt on a Tijuana beach and prayed. As the waves lapped up on the sand, I cried out into the ocean for a transforma-tion of my being, a rebirth, a cleansing, so that I would follow the truth. I stood after my entreaty, sand stick-ing to my knees, staring out at the tumultuous sea, and I remembered the story of Solomon, who, as becoming king, requested that the Lord give him wisdom. The Lord rejoiced at this request. So I asked for the same: “Give me wisdom, dear Lord, so I may seek truth, Your truth.”
It seemed to slip my mind then, but Solomon died without the Lord‟s favor. The most he could say of life was, “Here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep His commandments, this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judg-ment”.3 Though, at that moment in my life, there was no duty, only wonder.
There was a time right after my commitment I seemed to float above the mountain tops with a smile slapped on my face wider than the Grand Canyon. Blessings bubbled over like celebratory champagne. I sang to the Lord, spoke of the Lord, and embraced eve-rything “Lordly”. I read the Bible and talked about my excitement, my commitment, and the wonders of Christ. Hope is a beautiful thing. The veil had been lifted; eve-rything made so much sense to me. I saw so much wis-dom, so much truth, all in the love of Christ. What could stop this, killing my herd‟s, boils, my families death, rejection from the commu-nity? No, nothing…
Except, perhaps myself?
Doubt first entered as I pondered over the problem of predestination versus free will. How could it be both? How can God still be innocent and loving if he sends us off to die? How can that be just? Why do you tell me to silence this doubt Paul; what are you hiding?4 But then, how can we be free when God‟s control is so clear in the Bible? There is no compromise between these, despite what many say. This only led to more questions, about God, about Jesus, about life. The experts would always have such assertive answers: “well the dust on the moon proves….”, or “The archeological finding reveals….” I only could think that if bobble heads could speak this is what they would say: a whole lot to get nowhere.
No one could be trusted; nothing could be trusted. My doubt was my vice, and the more I learned, the more I ached to be satiated.
Paradox they called it, and not sim-ple paradox (three in one), but mutually ex-clusive paradox. Paradox is just a word used by the Church anyways, to make con-tradiction sound nicer, I thought. Have I been lied to? Am I just a „hopeful,‟ a dreamer who was appeased by some hoax, some lucid dream?
What a fool.

I had asked for wisdom, and I felt I didn‟t know who I asked. Did I ask the waves, because they can‟t answer prayer.
I read about the Bible more and more, this time skeptical and disillusioned. I was mad; I had been duped. I was the man who put down my last dollar against the card sharks loaded deck and I still thought I could win. I read that Christ‟s Great Commission in the Gospel of Mark was-n‟t even written by the au-thor, and there was such chaos in the early Church, that most of the Old Testa-ment authors are completely unknown. We can only speculate.
That‟s it;
I was supposed to base my life on someone else‟s positive speculation. Faith seemed a ploy to me; the means to some dishonest end. Yet I still wanted to believe, I couldn‟t under-stand that.
I turned to Philoso-phy. The “love of truth” seemed fitting for my plight. Some said, “Just forget about it and live for God. It is rewarding isn‟t it?” That wasn‟t enough, I needed real. I read Socrates, Plato, Nietzsche and Descartes; I was still searching, Kierkegaard, Kant. I soaked it in, still hoping for one to bring to light “the truth”. I tried to find truth analytically, through Descartes with his sys-tematic doubt, but that left me doubting my ability to doubt. I tried Plato, but his realm of ideas made less sense to me than God.
Yet, I still searched. I am naïve; the dreamer held on, but the longer he clung the more frustrated he became. He was so high he didn‟t want to fall, but when he did, it was a long drop. I started to piece through the philosophers, picking their arguments apart. I was a stampeding rhinoceros tearing through the underbrush; they were all fools waiting to be tram-pled. My problem was no longer my doubt it was my hope. My faith was my wound; faith was just, as Nietzsche says, “closing one’s eyes upon one’s self once and for all, to avoid suffering the sight of incur-able falsehood”.5 I wanted life, raw and uncensored; I wanted death to be as morbid as it should be; I wanted what was real, yet no one agreed to that.
I was shown the “truth”. It seemed everyone claimed they had it; It was in books, in movies; It was in God, the God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob, the god of Mohammed, the gods of Hinduism, the God that died for us, the God that died with Nietzsche; It was in me; I thought therefore I was; I was therefore I thought; It was existential; It was rational; It was im-possible; It was subjective; It was irrelevant; It was in the argument; It was in the counter; It was muddled. It was dark.
How wise am I? Am I wiser than God? If He ex-ists, then no, if He doesn‟t, then no; He is the better for not existing. Yet, I am stubborn and desperately want truth. I wish I could say my conflict is resolved, but this is the result of my doubt. There is not a happy ending or a complete circle. I wouldn‟t even say I‟ve grown. My questions still stand, yet faith has such appeal. I still desire to serve the Lord, yet my passions are many times silenced by my doubts, my worship squelched by my pride.
Here is the storm, dear Lord –my life– and I call out to You in it, not nearly as blameless or righteous as Job, but I call out to You none-the-less, and I wait for Your voice to put me in my place; wherever that is. □
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1Job 38: 1-7, The NIV Study Bible, ed. Kenneth Barker et al. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1995).
2Mark 15:8
3Ecclesiastes 12:10
4Romans 9:20
5Friedrich Nietzsche, The Antichrist(New York: Barnes and Noble Publishing, 2006).8