A Blonde’s Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight..
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…… Helllloooo!!!…….bottles won’t fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….. box said “2-4 years!”
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ….. power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of
water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing…….couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition….
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm….. car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is “C”…..isn’t it???
October
Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn’t call 911 . “Duh”…..there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!!!
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when
one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what
you want.”
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The
clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”
> >>
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs
to be.
> >>
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s
with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The
doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never
seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper.
Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong
with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let them play for free anytime!.”
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
> >>
Understanding Engineers #4
>
What is the difference between mechanical engineers
and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
> >>
Understanding Engineers #5
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
> >>
Understanding Engineers #6>
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have
enough features yet.
> >>
Understanding Engineers #7>
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog
called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into
a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog
spoke up again and said,”If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a
beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.”
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What’s the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a
girlfriend. But a talking frog – now that’s cool.”
Understanding Engineers #9
Four engineers get in a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical Engineer says: “It’s a broken starter”
The Electrical engineer says: “Dead battery”
The Chemical engineer says: “Impurities in the fuel”
The IT engineer says: “Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get
out of the car and get back in”