I can remember my daughter’s first semester at UMass Amherst. We were both excited. We shopped for weeks. We had so much fun. Then the day came for freshman move in. We filled up the car and started the drive. As we got closer, I started to panic. I was dropping off my baby and would not see her for a few months! I could feel the anxiety building and I wondered if she was feeling it too.
We finally got everything in the room and unpacked wondering how she was going to fit everything in her dorm. As we were making our way through the boxes, her roommate walks in. They hugged and started talking about how tired they were and how much stuff they had to carry in etc. At this point I was not sure if my daughter remembered I was still in the room? Suddenly she turned around “okay, mom I am all set, call you later”. I was so hurt. Eighteen years of anticipation of the long ‘good bye’ on campus and it was over in a minute. Not only was I hurt but I was watching other parents and their college bound students sharing tearful moments.
For days I tried to call. I left message after message. Finally I gave up and sent a text. Just a simple “Luv Ya” and she responded “me too”. I nearly fell off the bed. I felt awful. I thought she must be so miserable. The first long weekend, I went and picked her up (and laundry) and I asked her why she rushed me out of the room and did not answer my phone calls for days. She told me she was a little homesick in the beginning and she didn’t want to be upset so she avoided my calls however, after getting to know people on campus she was okay and just got really busy. I was so relieved. I thought she was just ignoring me.
In the event that you are dropping off your student this fall and wonder if they will forget who you are, just remember they are going through a transition just like we are. They need the space and time to meet new friends, get acquainted with the campus, learn about clubs, etc. We have been preparing them for this for a while. So don’t be hurt when they cannot guarantee to call you on a certain day or time or you’re having a hard time trying to reach them.
What we should do as parents and family members is to establish clear communication guidelines with our students to help alleviate the worries that come with sending them to college. Questions we should all ask include: Who will call first and how often and when? Note: Know their schedules and avoid contacting them while they’re in class. How will we communicate? Will it be a phone call, text or video chats? What happens if there’s no response for a long period of time? And how do we define a long period of time? Is it a couple of hours, a day, a week, or two weeks, etc. Remember our students are doing what we told them to do, “meet new friends, get to know the campus, find out about clubs/activities, discover themselves and be independent”. They are now college students.
Ninette Marzouki is the mom of a Public Health major in the Commonwealth Honors College, Class of 2018, UMass Amherst.