Dumb Vampire Kids
June 2nd, 2009 by egottlieTonight we had a bit of a conversation over whether stupid Anne Rice-style vampire romances such as “Twicraplight” came from something inherent in the trope of vampires in general or had grown as a phenomenon. Eventually, everyone came around to Lauren’s point of view that vampires tapped into the fantasies of threatening lovers and into rape fantasies, which apparently have existed since “the dawn of time” (those readers who fantasize about the most horrific act one human being can inflict on another without special training can leave now).
Ah, but I’ve come to realize that they do, in fact, come from a source: vampires. If they actually existed, what better way to lure in victims who won’t fight than to portray themselves as the ultimate in forbidden lovers? Convince millions of dumb tween girls and budding tween BDSM guys that they can find the ultimate good time for their pure, virginal selves with an undead, creature-of-the-night abomination against God, and the kids will line up to die horribly! Only selling heroin to addicts gets easier than this!
So I don’t care if they work according to “Let the Right One In” rules, traditional “Nosferatu”/”Dracula” rules, “Carpe Jugulum” rules, or “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” rules. They all must die, or at the very least we must reduce the threat of annoying wannabe vampires to our species.
I have the answer! Vampire romances work by portraying the unholy as forbidden lovers whose very presence can bring about a blissful serenity and whose touch can ignite the blood. See, those descriptions sound good and I’ve just lifted them from other sources! Of course, the emphasis here lays on forbidden: even the dumbest tweens tend to moderate themselves in the unhealthy pleasures that come commonly and mundanely. Try to find a large, nationwide clique of rebellious little moron who, for example, get high by overdosing on caffeine or through erotic autoasphixiation (seriously, only Fox News thinks real numbers of people do that).
Thus, by releasing a major motion picture in which every teenage girl gets given to a vampire at her sixteenth birthday for the satiation of her perverse sexual lust and his sheer, predatory thirst for blood only to find him treating her with contempt and screwing other women in nightclub bathrooms, we can finally convince tween girls that vampires suck and all must die. Honestly, I think once that happens the young boys will follow, as most guys just don’t have rape fantasies.
Presto chango, vampire fad problem solved and possible threat to large segments of the human race (let’s call it “blood-terrorism” to get government defense funding) averted!
In other news, I’ve begun experimenting to see if I can build a Naive Bayesian Classifier that will, by content alone, tell the difference between a reliable news report and some bull that someone just made up on the internet.