What I miss the most:

Family
Friends
TV
Speaking English

Basically I can deal with the rest with the greatest of ease. It gets easier.

So as quickly as I became depressed, I have pulled out of my recession and emerged basically unscathed minus a few scars from doing uh…. bone density training…. Of course, immersing yourself into a new culture will always result in culture shock, but somehow in the deep recesses of my mind I felt like I would be immune to it. That, however, was dreadfully wrong. Even after the realization that I was having culture shock, my depression still ceased to wane.

During class, we like to use our DS’s to play games or use Pictochat, a glorified chatroom over wireless. The first half we actually pay attention in and learn a lot, but our second class is either “speaking,” in which we learn what’s called keigo or the most polite form of Japanese. The Japanese cannot even speak keigo, so who are we learning to speak to? The emperor? If not speaking, we have our kanji class; those little devil pictograms that make learning Chinese and Japanese so damn difficult. So rather than pay attention and waste our lives, we enjoy it with our Nintendo DS’s. During a chat I had my revelation.

I had a feeling since the very beginning that I needed to get back into my practice of minimilazation and remembering to live the Buddhist style life of having no attachments and minimizing the needs or desires for anything. I found myself moving in quite the opposite way when I got here. Then I remembered what it was that made me so unconditionally happy in UMass when I was going through the worst times of my life: nothingness. The emptiness of the universe that has scared humans since the dawn of time is actually my security blanket when I feel like something should matter: I remember nothing matters in the end.

Then I realized that nothing that made me upset should matter to me anymore. I am not Japanese, so all the problems of Japan do not apply to me, no matter how versed in Japan I become, and no matter how fluent I can read write and speak. I am an alien. I can go home. So I realized that just because I have no intention of living here, does that mean I should not or could not enjoy the time I have here. Yes, I still want to become pretty damn good in Japanese, but its not the end of the world if I don’t. I am here to have fun first and foremost. Money does not matter to me here, as I have a job that pays 30 dollars an hour just to sit down and talk to high school kids in English. When I leave here, I will be applying to the University of Hawaii, just as I always had planned.

In reality, nothing has changed. I am still who I always was and always will be. It’s just that when I leave here, I will be much better in Japanese, and will be able to talk to anyone from Tokyo about what’s up and down.

People on this earth live in the dirt and kill their own food every day.

What could I POSSIBLY be upset about?

Besides, staying in one place too long is not my style anyway…..

It’s not that i’m depressed, even though I am, it’s just that old saying that keeps coming up and biting me in the ass and punching my ears constantly.

“When in Rome, do as the Romans do.”

It’s good advice, specially being here. It’s just that, well after being here in Tokyo I really don’t want to be like these Romans. Maybe in a different part of Rome people act differently. Nicer, friendlier, more outgoing, less retarded, but I feel like there’s something about a level of intelligence that is missing. i literally feel like if i didn’t have japanese class, i could get by just fine knowing nothing more than a few words in japanese; sumimasen[excuse me], arigato, oishii[delicious], sugoi [amazing] and a few others.

i think, aside from not being able to actually communicate with people, that the lack of range in japanese is something of a depressing fact. people just do not use many words here. everything people eat here is “oishii” or “umai!” how the shit does that work? i want to eat something and go to the cook and be like “this tastes like horse shit!” [kore tte uma kuso no you na aji ga atta ]

don’t get me wrong, i have met quite a wealth of intelligent individuals here that are japanese. Logan’s roommate Shima is a prime example. The kid is a genius, so much so that his social function in his brain is a little screwed up. but listening to him talk about manga robots or how you assemble lighting differently in snow and rain when filming a movie; it’s awesome. maybe i just havent met the right people yet, which is a huge possibility.

i think it has more to do with the fact that people here care more about image than ANYTHING else. its like my buddy omar here said one day. “people here carry around guitars just to look cool. they have no understanding of music, and cant play for shit. and there assholes on top of it.” Tokyo is all about image with no substance. it’s the exact opposite of what i want to be, substance without image.

i guess at the end of the day im not really sure what the hell is wrong with my brain. i should just get out and meet new people. i think thats the best.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually do love japan. I think this place is great fun, but hardly more than that. All the little things in life that you’re used to are completely gone and disappeared. You can maybe find the stuff, find a replacement, but you rely more on your comfort levels than you think. Im not saying I want to quit japan, but im fustrated out of my mind. This stress is killing me. I cannot express how crazy this city is. Maybe out in the country it’s a little different, but I don’t think so. I need to get out of here, even if its just for a little while.

I don’t know what it is, but i feel like i am not doing anything here. i feel like i’m just going out with a bunch of cool international kids and spending a lot of money. why would i come here to do that? i can do that in America for a fraction of the price.